Discovering you have passive aggressive behaviours and responses to the point that it’s become a personality disorder (PAPD, or Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder) can be something of a shock. When I discovered this about myself it left me depressed for a few months before I came out the other side.
For me, I realised that all the things that had gone wrong in my life were my fault, and not anyone else’s as I had thought it was. Things could have been different if I had been different.
Even though I couldn’t change the past, I could change my future by making sure I avoided doing the things that I’d been doing before. I could learn from my mistakes to try and do things differently so that the experiences of my life would be different.
It was pretty amazing how much of a change that created in my life. My career and my income moved forward in leaps and bounds. I left my fiancee (not the same fiancee I’m married to now!) when I realised that we were wrong for each other, and that the biggest reason for my passive aggression was because I was trying to be a good partner to an angry woman, and what I did just inspired more anger from her, which resulted in more defensive passive aggression from me.
Instead of making each other happy, all we were doing was making each other angry. We spent three years trying to find a way to overcome our communication and emotional challenges, but eventually it was just ridiculous. We weren’t suited for each other, and we needed to accept that and move on. So I did.
Healing my passive aggression meant that I had to avoid people that made me angry and frustrated, and find people that made me calm and happy.
That’s pretty much the secret to finding success in relationships. Find someone who makes you calm and happy, and do whatever the hell you can to keep them calm and happy too.
Whether it’s a happy wife or a happy girlfriend – if they’re happy, then you’re happy too. Finding that woman can be a challenge though, but you owe it to yourself to find a way.
If you’re with someone that you can’t make it work, no matter how much you try, then you’re probably with the wrong person, and fighting to make it work just results in you fighting.
Sometimes you have to cut your losses and get out while you still can. Sort your shit out, and take careful stock of the kind of partner that works best with you in a relationship.
Understand who you are, and what you need in a partner, and then look for that person. Treasure them when you find them, because they’re exactly that – treasure.
Finding someone that matches who you are, and loves you and supports you without constantly getting angry with you, is one of the most difficult things in the world to find.
But for them to love you, you also have to be worth their love. For them to avoid getting angry with you, you have to avoid doing things that cause anger.
You have to be a better man than what you are today. You have to be. There’s no other choice, and you have to look at it that way.
It’s a challenging road to be on, and it can take many years to feel like you’re getting somewhere. But hold on to the vision in your mind of who you want to be, and who you want to be with, and you’ll get there eventually.
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