I was talking with a very good (online) friend of mine tonight, and they said it was unfortunate that I was a black and white thinker, because there was so many rich colours of life that I was probably missing out on.
An analogy came to mind that I’m a black and white camera. I’m aware that there are LOTS of colour cameras around me that see all kinds of different colours and a rich tapestry of life, but I can’t see what they see, and I never will.
The receptors and processors in my brain only work in black and white, and wanting me to process in colour is as reasonable as demanding a black and white camera process colour photos.
Yes, it makes me sad that I can’t see the colours, and I can only see black and white, but that’s the life I have as a black and white camera.
It’s changing how I view a lot of things that I’ve taken for granted, like wanting to be a paid writer, for example.
I’ve tried following the philosophy of ‘fake it until you make it’, but that assumes that faking it allows you to learn how to actually BE what you’re trying to be.
No matter how much I try to fake colour photos, they’re always going to look black and white. No matter how much I try to fake being a writer who understands the pain most people are going through, all I can really do is talk about my own pain, through my own limited perception and experience.
And right now, I don’t know how to do that any different.
There are other writers out there who have Aspergers Syndrome, who understand it and accept it, and yet still do well with their own writing. I’m going to find them, and study how they’re doing it, so I can learn from them.
Yes, I know I’m doing well (reasonably at least) with my own writing. But I still want to do better. While I’m writing, I want to improve how I write and how my words are impacting upon people.
There are people who tell me how great my writing is, and how my words already have an impact on their lives. You have no idea how much I appreciate hearing that, and knowing that what I’m doing is worthwhile. I’m very grateful for that feedback, it’s very helpful for me.
But it still doesn’t change the fact I want to do better. Don’t worry though, I won’t get ahead of myself again. I’ll continue reading about writing, learning more about writing, and continuing to practice, constantly improving what I’m doing. I’ll keep it slow and evolve over time, rather than push myself to be something I’m not.
I know I’m never going to become a colour camera, but at least I can improve the style and composition of my ‘black and white photos’ so that they’re more attractive to the people looking at them. (Yes, I mean my writing.)
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