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24 March 2003

Yeh, I know… it's been 11 days since my last entry. In the old journal, it was usual to have only one entry a month, but this new journal is very different.

However, the reason I've been silent is because of the sadness and confusion I've been feeling about Wakana. I didn't know what to talk about. Some of my 'fans' Cheesy have had individual conversations with me, so you're up to date with what's going on. But for the rest of you, here goes…

I've seen her a few times since my last entry. It's mostly been just getting together for a couple of hours at a time, but on Wednesday last week (it's Monday today), we spent over half the day together. She wanted to do something that was just like what we used to do when we were together.

I found out that if I had've left her last year for another woman, then she would have forgiven me in a flash and come back to me today. But because I left her due to what I felt was a communication problem, that was her most sensitive issue. It's something she feels is a barrier to us being together now and in the future.

The lack of respect I had for her 11 days ago has changed over that time to one of just sadness at the restrictive attitutdes that she creates for herself, or allows him to create for her. The lack of respect was me applying western attitudes to something that she approaches from a completely different point of view.

So I guess it changed because I understood I can't judge her based on my values. I can only be sad that the way she applies her values is very restrictive to her own happiness and freedom.

Because Wakana is leaving my life, I'm moving on in regards to dating. However, I've decided that I really do want an asian girlfriend/partner. With everything I've learned about asian women and their attitudes, in relation to my past experiences with western women and the asian women that have been in my life, I've realised that western women don't have the same commitment towards commitment in a relationship as asian women do.

And I'm getting really tired of the casual attitude towards relationships that western women generally have (I know not all of them are like that). I think this has been brought about by my experiences with Nicola, which was the culmination of a number of bad experiences in my life.

So now I'm looking for someone who will respect what it means to be with someone you love and to support each other through thick or thin. Asian women – who I've already been attracted to anyway – seem to understand what that means most of all.

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