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Choose yourself, not your abuser

For all kinds of different reasons, we may end up in the wrong relationship with someone. When things go bad, we try to hold on to those relationships because it’s important to us to try and show our commitment by staying with them, trying to work through things, and trying to make the relationship a good one instead of a bad one. Nice sentiments, but not always practical.

If you’re with the wrong person, then you might be struggling because you’re both trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

One of the things I’ve come to understand over the years is that passive aggression (something I’m intimately familiar with) exists in all people, but for most of them, it only occurs in isolated instances. People with passive aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) have it most of the time. It affects their life, and their relationships.

And one of the most fascinating aspects of PAPD is that it seems mostly men suffer it. But the very nature of its most predominant symptom of denying their responsibility means they avoid seeking healing because they don’t want to believe they’re responsible for the issues in their life or relationships.

I also came to understand from my own experiences that when I wasn’t around people trying to control me, I wasn’t passive aggressive. Part of my own problem in life was that sometimes I was choosing the wrong women to be around, and this is part of the problem with all PAPD sufferers – and their partners too. They choose the wrong people to spend their life with.

Loving connections between people include mutual respect, care, support, communication, and happiness. Having all of those in your relationship means you’re with the right person. Maintaining that takes effort, but you should be maintaining a state of happiness and fulfillment. When you’re trying to constantly fix something that’s just broken, you’re in the wrong relationship and you’re wasting your time and your life.

Your consistent happiness over time is a sign of whether or not a relationship is right for you.

If you’re unhappy and struggling in your relationship, get the hell out of it. You don’t need to be with someone who abuses you with their behaviour. If you’ve been in a bad relationship for a long time, and you’ve tried to get things to change but your partner hasn’t been interested, then don’t think that maybe one day things might change. They’re not going to change, because if that was likely, they’d already be trying to change and trying to talk to you about their issues that you’ve brought to their attention, and seeking your help to overcome them.

If they’re not doing that, all you can do is look forward to more of their continued abusive behaviour if you stay with them.

And you know what? A big part of the reason your partner abuses you with passive aggression – or other forms of abuse – is because you’re still with them, regardless of everything they’ve done. You’ve been inadvertently telling them that it’s ok to abuse you. If it wasn’t ok, you’d leave. Since you’re still with them, despite all the pain they’ve caused you, then it must actually be ok. That’s what they’re thinking.

I want you to choose yourself instead. Choose your own happiness. Choose a good life.

If you’re in such a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive or abusive in any other way, I want you to know that I’m here for you, to help you with any questions you have, any advice you need, or any guidance. As long as it’s all based on choosing yourself and moving on. You need to move on. You need to leave them behind. You need to get the hell out of this abusive situation you’re in, and start building a wonderful, exciting and happy life for yourself.

I know you can do that.

How did I change my own situation, and get treatment when I realised I was the abuser? How did I heal my own passive aggressive personality disorder? I realised I was the one at fault. I had to take control of my life, and take ownership of my responsibilities. I had to make important decisions about what was working in my life and what wasn’t, and I had to walk away from what wasn’t working so that I could work out what did work.

I took some time out for myself, spent three years exploring my life while single, trying to work out exactly what kind of person I wanted or needed to be, and what kind of person I needed to be with. I needed to know myself in order to know who I was best suited to be with in a relationship.

I worked out that I had been choosing women who were dominant like me. We were two bulls butting horns, all the time, and that’s why I was passive aggressive in those relationships. There were relationships I’d had with women where I wasn’t passive aggressive.

Once I knew what was going on, and why my passive aggression was being triggered, I knew what kind of woman I needed to be with. From that moment, I very quickly found my ideal woman for me and thankfully, I happened to be the ideal man for her. We’ve been together for almost 3 years, and got married about 6 months ago. She’s perfect for me because she doesn’t trigger my passive aggression at all.

If you like being in control in your relationships, for whatever reasons, then don’t be with someone that hates being controlled. Trying to control someone that doesn’t want to be controlled is a ‘trigger’ for their passive aggression, especially if they feel it’s unsafe for them to express themselves.

If you’re a dominant personality and experiencing passive aggressive reactions from your partner who is also dominant, then you might need to be with a submissive personality in order for your relationship to work. And if that’s your choice, such a relationship is perfectly ok. Whatever makes two people happy is absolutely perfect. It doesn’t matter what other people think; it’s not their life you’re living.

In order to heal, you need to avoid whatever it is that’s been hurting you, so that you can have the space and the time to heal your wounds.

If you’re here reading this because you’re at a point in your life and your relationship that you’re considering choosing yourself instead of your abuser, I know it’s not an easy journey you’re considering. I wish you all the strength in the world.

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