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Dominance and Submission


I’ve recently met a woman who wanted to be dominated, and she thought I would be a good candidate for that. I agreed with her.

How’s that for an intro? 🙂

As this blog is about my life, I, of course, wanted to write about it, but I’ve had some difficulty with going about it. I thought about creating an anonymous blog because I was uncertain how I could talk about something like this without getting myself ostracised by my readers and some of my friends.

But then I realised I care too much about what others think…

I’ve talked about sex quite a lot in the past, and I’ve talked about alternative sexual practices and concepts. So what else is new, right? After all, that’s what this blog seems to be all about!

And I know for a fact that some of my regular visitors are only here for the ‘juicy bits’, and they’ve been waiting a long time since I last talked about something juicy.

So let’s get into it.

The last time I experienced something like ‘dominance / submission’ was back when I was going out with Venus, in 2001. She was into B&D (bondage & discipline), and she introduced me to all the things that she liked to have done to her. She wasn’t exactly submissive, but she certainly did enjoy all the things that went with B&D. I had some of the most incredible sex of my life, and I always knew it was because of what we did together. I’ve been looking for something like that ever since.

Six years before her I dated a woman named Cherie who, I realise now, was definitely very submissive. As I re-read that post describing my experiences with her, and what she was like, I understand now what kind of person she really was.

I loved the submission – but I didn’t love the lack of intelligent conversation. That’s always been something that’s important to me, and has never changed.

In 2005 I wrote a post I called Respect. It was about my experiences with Asian women. In it, I wrote:

…I was more interested in being with an asian woman than a western woman. The main reason for this was that throughout the relationships I’d had and the things that I’d learnt, what stuck out was that asian women respect what their men do for them, something that in my experience most western women do not. I learnt that what many westerners see as asian submissiveness is actually misunderstood by them, and is instead respect and appreciation for someone who cares for them.

“You fool,” I tell myself now; “They were right – it IS submissiveness!” (But it was also respect and appreciation for what a reliable man brings into their life.)

All this time I’ve been fooling myself. And why? Because I didn’t want to think of myself as a man wanting a submissive woman. It made me feel weak, because of today’s social stereotypes about men and women. Women say they want equality, and they don’t want to be dominated. I listened to them, and I ‘lost my way’.

When I was reading back over my post about Cherie, I realised that while I was an arsehole back in 1995, I was also the ‘dominant’ partner in that relationship. I was just too much of an arsehole to secure the relationship, and instead I ran in fear. I recognise now that, to an extent, I’ve been running in fear ever since.

I was horrified at how I treated her. I could have handled it very differently, but I didn’t. As a result of my ‘horror’, I went completely the other way. I stopped being dominant, in order to be a woman-pleaser. I became a wimp, all because I didn’t like how I treated Cherie. I didn’t become submissive myself, but I certainly was no longer as confident with women as I felt at that time.

After Cherie, I had a 5 year drought, where I couldn’t hold a woman’s attention for more than 2 dates. It was shocking! It wasn’t until 1999 that I was able to develop a relationship with a woman, and I know it was because I started acting confident again, taking charge of the situation that developed so that it led into a relationship.

I’ve never had a problem developing relationships with women since then. I think it took me that 5 years of ‘struggle’ with dating to find some kind of balance between wimpiness and dominance, and to sit in that space I thought society wanted me to be.

But then I got angry.

Passive aggression really started to become an issue in my relationships from about 2001 onwards, but I wasn’t aware of the issues as being all about me. That’s what passive aggression does to you, it makes you think it’s everyone else with the problem. When I became aware of it in 2006, I traced it back to my childhood, of course, as that’s where most passive aggression disorders develop.

So I’ve been working through passive aggression since then, and starting to come to terms with the various anger issues in my life only in the past few months. I’m only now starting to realise where that anger was truly coming from.

I was suppressing my instincts. In order to try and be what society wanted me to be, in order to fit in and be accepted, I was ignoring who I really was.

Most of the arguments in my intimate relationships were a result of my partners struggling for dominance with me. In my attempts to be ‘equal’, I was choosing women who were just like me.

No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.

I’m actually a little disturbed by the thought that I, as a bull, have been trying to partner with other bulls… Figuratively speaking, of course. 😉

There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man.

This is just the natural order of things.

Also, a woman can be dominant at work, while submissive at home, or even dominant at home (if she has a submissive partner) while being submissive at work… It’s all about the natural balance of relationships.

I’m realising I’ve been disturbing my natural balance.

Well, times are a-changin’ for me yet again. It’s time I started embracing my natural self and become that damned bull again. And I need to stop looking for other ‘bulls’ to be with! I’m so very, very tired of butting heads….

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