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I want my own children

I had a good conversation with a friend (we'll call her Susie) on ICQ last night. We talked about the perception that others may have of me, particularly thinking I'm arrogant. It was pointed out to me last night by Venus that some people that we met on Saturday night (at a singles website get-together) felt that I was arrogant, and I was discussing that with Susie. The ones who thought I was arrogant were probably on the receiving end of an attitude that said "I'm not attracted to you, and I'm only here at this dating site meeting 'cause I succumbed to peer group pressure and the allure of a shouted beer or three, so please don't talk to me". Apparently my body language and attitude was completely different when I was chatting to an attractive woman there. Well, hello!!! Wake up and smell the roses, ladies. It's a type of arrogance that I'm quite happy to continue, 'cause I know what I want in this world, and having women come onto me who I'm not attracted to is one of those things I don't want.

Now, to be honest with you, I also know that I have defensive attitudes which can be taken as arrogance, and that's something I have to work on. But letting women think that I'm interested in them when I'm not, just because they've got fragile egos and other insecurities, is not something that I'll work on.

I also talked with Susie about her and her little boy. Something new came up in the conversation. New for me, at least. Part of the conversation we had reminded me of my involvement with Estera many years ago, and having a role in the development of her two boys for nearly two years – Michael in particular. I was in his life when he was less than a year old. When he was 4, I lived with Estera and her hubby Trevor (who was also my friend) as a flatmate and babysat him often. When he was 8, Estera (who had left Trevor a year before) moved in with me, and I had that parental role in Michael's life, as well as his 4 yo brother's life. I taught him about spirit guides, and not to be afraid of all things spiritual, and had a great time teaching my beliefs, playing games with him and his brother, and introducing him to roleplaying games when he was 9 or 10. Then Estera and I split up, and when he was 12 or 13 (I think) he went to Adelaide to live with his dad. I didn't see him until last year, (when I went to Canberra for Estera's wedding in September) and he was 15 or 16. I didn't recognise him, and when it was pointed out to me who he was, I was completely blown away. I've never been as blown away by anything as I was with that. He'd changed so much! Grown up into a teenager.

I had a bit of a cry as I was remembering and describing my feelings about it to Susie. I was a little emotional at all that I'd been part of and especially all that I'd missed out on, in relation to being in his life and him being in mine. It made me realise that having my own child/ren is something I'd enjoy with the right woman. And that's what was new, realising that having my own kids is something that I really could look forward to. I feel pretty good about that…

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