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It wasn’t meant to be

I'm feeling in a melancholy mood right now. That's probably my most creative mood, in terms of writing in here, so I thought I'd do just that. I'm sitting here wondering why I feel this way. I'm bored. I've actually got nothing to do right now, nor do I have any inclinations to do anything anyway. I'll just sit here and wallow… but wallow in what? Sorrow? Self-pity? Loneliness? Hmmm…

Maybe loneliness.

Yeh, that's it. And a bit of sorrow too.

I miss Missy.

Love doesn't come along very often and when it does, it's special. Obviously. It hurts to lose it. Hurts a lot. I thought that I'd gotten over the hurt, but the way I'm feeling right now, I guess I didn't. Probably silly of me to think that I could do it so quickly…

I've decided it's more sorrow than loneliness, but they are hand-in-hand right now, and I've got the tissues out.

When you meet someone who just grabs your heart like she did, it's not an easy process to let go. What hurts the most is that I couldn't be any better or any loving than what I was. When I review everything about myself and us, in order to try and work out where I went wrong, I can't see anything wrong with anything that I did, said or felt.

It just wasn't meant to be.

At least for Missy, it wasn't meant to be.

In our eternal quest for our one true partner in life, why do some of us have to go through so much pain? Is there someone out there who will love me as much as I love them? Is there such a thing as a soul-mate in my life? Will my quest for a beautiful, special woman to share my life with be fruitless? Am I destined to walk this earth alone?

These and other questions may be answered in time. But the only answer I have right now is loneliness.

It's been part of my life for as long as I can remember, way back to childhood. But I'll never get used to it. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to go through a life which is exciting and wonderful, but to have no-one to share it with just sucks.

Some people are happy to go through life without needing or wanting someone to share it with. I wonder why I'm different. My excuse is that I want to share my happiness with someone special in my life. But am I just afraid to be alone? What am I really afraid of?

I don't know.

I just know that I miss Missy.

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