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Saying goodbye

Last night I said goodbye to Wakana. I came to realise that I couldn’t continue having her in my life when every time she comes online to chat to me, she tells me how much she loves me and misses me. It wasn’t very positive for allowing me to move on. Every time she told me those things, I would start to talk to her about how she could come back to me. It was stupid, ’cause she’s not going to come back.

So I did what I had to do and told her not to contact me any more, and explained why. Again, I didn’t feel very well after having done it, but I knew I needed to.

I rang my friend Kath back in Australia afterwards and after having a chat with her about it, I felt a bit better. However, the act of saying goodbye to Wakana and discussing it with Kath helped me to see other areas of my life that I needed to change, areas that were holding me back.

The only other area of my life that is still holding me back in some ways is my involvement with Amanda (Miss X). I still have feelings for her, and every time I talk to her, I feel emotionally drawn to her again, and again, and again. It’s a repeating cycle that’s going nowhere.

I spoke to her on the weekend, and she told me that her boyfriend proposed to her but she said no, ’cause he’s got a lot of emotional work to do before he’s ready for her to accept him into her life in that fashion. I initially rang her on Friday night and she was at a friend’s and asked me to call her back on Saturday, which I did. She told me when I rang back that her friend asked her who I was, and Amanda told her, and her friend said that Amanda should marry me instead, but Amanda told her that she couldn’t ’cause I was in NZ. I questioned her briefly about her response to her friend, and she suggested I come for a holiday to catch up and see what happens.

There’s only one problem.

I didn’t believe she was serious, and I realised she’s never really been serious in the past.

I’ve given her emotional support, and she’s always needed that, but has never given me anything in return. Right now, she’s looking for more emotional support, and seems to be willing to offer me a hope in exchange for it.

It’s when I realised what kind of energy is passing back and forth between us that I realised something needed to be done about it.

So I’ve just sent her an email telling her how I’ve felt about her over the years, how much I’ve loved her but never had anything in return, and how much it hurts me now to say goodbye, but it can’t go on any more.

I’m breaking the ties with my past, letting go of those things which are holding me back. Those feelings I have which are preventing me from moving forward. It’s all going – I’m throwing it all away and making a fresh start.

In the past 16 hours, I’ve said goodbye to two women that I’ve loved so much, but can’t get anything from in return. I’m opening my heart and my life to new opportunities.

A new path has been chosen, and I feel a little lighter now. I look behind me, and I see baggage lying on the ground. Baggage which I’ve been carrying around with me for a long time. It’s on the ground now, where I’ve discarded it, and I turn my back on it and with a lighter step, I walk forward.

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