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The story of the giant turd

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A long time ago, back when I was a young fella, I was at a friend’s house. It was a social occasion, ant there was probably about 8 of us there. As one does, I had to go to the toilet for a ‘number two’. That’s ‘poo’ for those of you that don’t know what a number two is…

I don’t know what I ate, or how long it had been since I’d gone for a poo prior to that night, but when I was finished and got up from the toilet, I jumped in surprise. I kid you not, there was a giant turd in the toilet bowl, standing up straight and proud.

It was pretty disturbing, but with a shrug I pressed the flush button to get rid of it. It didn’t move. I frowned, hearing the laughter of my friends outside the bathroom as they enjoyed the party What would the host think, me having to flush twice? But there was no choice, it had to be done. I flushed again.

Damn – it still didn’t budge! So I flushed a third time. Nothing. This giant turd was going nowhere!

With a heavy heart I left the bathroom, walked past my friends, and went outside into the garden. I came back in with a stick and went back into the bathroom. I tried bashing that giant turd with my stick, but my stick broke.

It was a tough shit…

So I went back outside for another stick. But by now I had gained the attention of my friends, particularly the host.

“What the he’ll is going on?” he said.

“There’s a giant turd in your bathroom, and tonight I’m Alan the Turd Slayer… Except I need a bigger sword.”

There was much laughter and amusement. One of my friends was a plumber, and he stepped forward to take control of the situation, except this situation was much bigger than what he was expecting.

“Holy shit, it’s a giant turd!”

Yes, that’s what I was trying to tell you…

So then the rest of my friends went into the toilet to gawk at my giant turd. I gave up. I sat down, picked up a magazine and my beer, and tried to ignore what was going on.

Three of them went out into the garden for large sticks. There was much grunting, swearing, splashing of the toilet flushing, eventually followed by a great “Hurrah!” The giant turd was defeated.

I will never forget that night.

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