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15 January 2003

Today has been a VERY strange day. Here's the strangeness in order of appearance…

Strange event 1:
The overseas woman I've mentioned before… she who seems to like being known as 'cyberslut' (but she's not one really)… her and I realised today that there's a certain kind of love that's developed between us, and our online relationship has moved into an interesting new phase.

Strange event 2:
I did a naughty thing. Last night I said to someone else who I've been chatting to for a few months that I'll phone them tonight and we'll chat, and talk about her wanting to finally see me on the weekend, after she's cancelled prior attempts twice. But I've decided, after talking about it with a friend (cyberslut), that I shouldn't lower myself by chasing up on her after she's treated me the way she has in the past, by cancelling twice, etc. And now, after the day's events, I'm convinced that I don't need to call her. If she gets upset, that's not my problem. I'm harsh… that's strange.

Strange event 3:
Erin, a woman I've been chatting to a little bit for the past couple of weeks, tells me today that she wants to have lunch on Saturday.

Strange event 4:
Sara, a woman I'd been chatting with up until four weeks ago and then I don't hear from her until today, contacts me and says she's been busy but she'd like to meet me.

Strange event 5:
Nicola and I were in a brief flurry of communication today which seemed to be due to a misunderstanding from her that I wanted more than just to be friends. It was strange that today, of all days, out of the months of relative inactivity since I left her, that communication happened between us again. However, I don't believe the misunderstanding was resolved, and now I'm just waiting for her to send me back some books that I lent her before we broke up, as she asked for my address today.

Strange event 6:
Helen, a woman I've been chatting with a little bit for the past couple of weeks, tells me today that she wants to meet me and we can see how things go. I hadn't expected things to go anywhere, so I was surprised at her request.

Strange event 7:
and then there's Wakana… I left Wakana in July last year, but we've been chatting online occasionally since then, and saw each other a couple times as well, and caught up over dinner. It was all just friendly stuff. I was at home today, which was unusual, but it was because work rang me this morning and wanted me to come in at midnight tonight instead, if I was up for it. Fine by me. So I was home today. Wakana comes to visit, unannounced, as if she knew I was home, but in reality she was just hoping I would be. She's having boyfriend troubles, and her and I spent about 4 hours today talking about it, and we went for a drive and had dinner. We parted ways with a kiss, which happened by surprise but was really nice… a real kiss, not one of those "I'm your friend, see you later" kisses….

Today has been a very, very strange day indeed. All that in one day? What's my energy doing right now, to attract this to me? Sheesh.

Something happened to me this morning that's never happened before. The overseas woman, 'cyberslut'… she pointed out to me a few things happening in her life which are causing her some confusion. In the process of the conversation, I let my feelings go when I realised that nothing was likely to happen between her and I. As I explained it to her when she asked, "there was a sadness that I'm not there, that I haven't got the chance that I'd like. There was a realisation there's nothing I can do about it. There was a moment where I released my need for that chance, and then there was happiness that you're my friend." And then I wrote, "it doesn't matter what happens, or who you and I end up with, you and I are forever. Even if we never meet."

That's when I realised that I loved this woman I'd never met, but I let the feelings of hope go. "If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they're yours." I let go of the hope that something would happen between us, and just let it all be as it is meant to be, regardless. And I'd just enjoy what I have from her.

It's obvious that something has happened today where my energy has changed so much from this process that's gone on inside of me, that suddenly I'm inundated with women wanting more of me in some fashion. My realisation of love (of some fashion) helped her realise she loved me (in some fashion) as well. And then there was almost a flooding of women wanting more of me… I let go of the need for love and I open up to the energy of the universe.

Today has been a very, very, very, very strange day indeed!

Yesterday wasn't as strange, but was pretty exciting.

I booked my air tickets to and from Auckland for the Bruce Springsteen concert in late March, and I booked a hotel room for the time I'm up there. I also applied for leave on the Thursday and Friday of that time that I'll be up there. Everything is now sorted, and all I need to do is just sit back and wait until Thursday 27th of March, and then get on that plane to Auckland, and go to the Bruce Springsteen concert on the evening of Friday 28th. I'll be staying in Auckland until the late afternoon of the Saturday 29th and then flying back to Wellington.

My dream of 17 years is only 10 weeks away from being fulfilled!

Getting back to the strangeness…

I was speaking about today's strangeness to a friend of mine tonight, and he said, out of all the women that are coming into my life, which one will I ultimately choose? I thought about that for a long time before I thought that if it comes down to it, if Wakana leaves her boyfriend and after a bit of time to sort out her head, she would like to try again with me, then I'd be open to that happening. She's the only one out of them all that's physically in my life right now, and if that's the way the wind blows, then that's the path I'd take. Her and I know each other, and if the opportunity came up, I would be happy to go out with her again.

None of the others are physically real yet, even the 'cyberslut' who has become someone I love. It's a virtual love that means something only while we're online, but can't go further until we physically meet up. If that happens before Wakana – or anyone else – then we'll see what happens from there. But real life does have to continue in the meantime, and I have to follow those paths which open up in front of me that feel good to follow. I know 'cyberslut' will understand, because her and I have spoken about this in the past. *smile* Regardless of what happens, her and I are going to be fantastic friends forever.

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