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Cowards and relationships

My very good friend Amanda rang me this morning.  She’s my friend from Australia, who featured in some of my journal entries years ago.  See here and here for refresher information on her role in my life.  She’s been a special part of my life for a few years now.  Anyway, she rang because she is having relationship problems with her partner, who she’s been with for around 5 years now. 

Yesterday he gave her an ultimatum.  He can see himself marrying her, but first she needs to sign a pre-nuptial agreement that says she will never have any claim on his money or assets.  The ultimatum is that if she doesn’t agree to this, then she has one week to get out.  Now the interesting thing is, he has known for the past 5 years of her belief about pre-nup agreements, and her desire to live a life of honesty, trust and respect.  She rang me because she wanted to talk to me about it, as I’m one of the only people in her life that she trusts.

I told her that I feel it’s obvious he hasn’t gotten over his issues from the past, where people have screwed him over.  He also hasn’t gotten over his trust issues, and for whatever reason he doesn’t trust her NOT to screw him over.  She talked to me about her spiritual concepts and attitudes, and I said ‘I know’.  (It’s why her and I have gotten along so well in the past, and why we’re so special to each other.  We are aligned with our spiritual views.)  I told her that I feel he wants to end the relationship anyway, and that’s why he’s given the ultimatum after 5 years, especially since he’s known all along that she’s not one to accept a pre-nuptial agreement because of the message it gives about trust and honour.  He’s a coward, and like most cowards who can’t talk about their feelings, he just simply wants to manipulate the relationship in such a way that she won’t be able to accept it, and the relationship will end.  He’ll then feel much happier about it because he can say to himself and others that “she was the one who couldn’t compromise.  She didn’t want to do what was necessary for the relationship.  She was the reason it didn’t work.  She’s the bitch who screwed up a good thing and brought me loneliness once again.”

She told me that for 5 years he’s been talking about pre-nup agreements, and he’s known all along of her views.  She told me that he’s been working on his issues with her support and with counsellors, but she doesn’t feel he’s actually changed.  It was at this point that I asked her why she’s been with him for 5 years, through all these issues and problems.  She told me it was because she thought he was working on them, and that she was hoping he would change his ways.

I said, “Amanda, you’ve just said something that most women say and do.  You’ve been with him in the hope that he’ll change.  You’ve seen ‘potential’ in him for him to be a particular way, so you’ve tried to help him become what you want him to be.  You’ve held on to the vision of his potential, and tried to help him achieve that potential.  Amanda, you haven’t loved him for who he is, you’ve loved him for who you think he can become.  What you have to do now is understand the relationship is over.  Neither of you are what you want the other to be.  He wants someone who will accept his demands, and you want someone who will respect you and trust you enough not to make any demands of you.  You need to prepare yourself now for a new life without him.”

What she does from this point on though, will be up to her.  If she gives in and signs the pre-nup, then she will have become someone that she’s not.  She will have given up an essential element of herself, and will be forever unhappy with him, and even herself.  The relationship won’t last much longer past that point anyway.  At least if she makes the choice now to end it, she’ll be doing it on her own grounds, not giving in to his demands, and not giving up who she is.  And that’s the most important thing of all.  If he can’t let her be herself and love her for that, then she’s better off without him.  As harsh as it sounds, the reality is that if we’re not with someone who lets us be who we want to be, with trust and respect, then we’re better off alone, so that we can devote our time to look for someone who WILL let us be ourselves, and love us for who we are.

Cowards and relationships.  A sad situation.

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