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4 May 2003

Have you ever noticed that things can be going along nice and smoothly for a while, and then suddenly something happens that just throws you off?

That happened to me last week.

Wakana has been gone for over a month now. She said she'd contact me when she gets back from Japan at the end of April. As the end of April approached, I was looking forward to hearing from her again, and I was thinking about her a little more as a result. I was feeling those feelings of loss all over again.

And then I heard this song on the radio…

If You're Not The One
by Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

…and I sort of lost it. It was the words that seemed to explain exactly how I feel about her.

It's made me realise that I was holding onto those feelings, hoping that things would happen while she was gone that would cause the relationship with her 'evil' boyfriend to fall apart, and that she'd turn up on my doorstep, ready to come back to me. I was hoping that she would come back to me.

But it's now a week past the date she was to return, and she hasn't contacted me. It's probably quite likely that she's accepted the fact that she's moving away from me (down to the sth island) and has moved on as well. She probably doesn't want to get in touch with me for that reason.

I use 'probably' because I can't think of anything else that would prevent her from contacting me – apart from those things you just don't want to think about, of course. And I believed her when she said she loved me, but she was staying with him so he doesn't kill himself.

I find it horribly sad that two people can be so much in love with each other, but through the circumstances of their individual lives, they can't be together.

I never thought I would be in that situation.

Before she left, she told me to read "Bridges In Madison County", so I could understand her situation better. I'm still only half way through it, having bought it in Auckland when I was up there at the end of March. It's almost like… I don't want to understand her situation (in that respect). I just want her to come back to me.

But I have to move on. I'll finish reading that book, and think about her, her feelings, the pain she must be going through herself, and I'll try to understand why we're not together.

She was still the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, and I never saw it until I had 'thrown it away', and then it was too late to get it back, too late to get her back.

Why was she the best thing in my life? She accepted who I was, and she loved me regardless. She was beautiful, she was tender, she was respectful of me, she was excited by what I could do for her, and she made me feel as if I was everything she needed in her life.

It's the only time in my life that I've ever done something as stupid as that. She was everything I had been looking for – it's just that I thought I was looking for something else.

I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. Nor am I sure I'll ever get over her. I'll try, of course, and I'll meet new women and have other adventures and experiences, but always, there'll be that place in my heart for Wakana, the only woman whose love for me was pure.

I can still remember when I first met her, when I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. I initially was happy to be friends with her, and she made me laugh. One day I realised we were more than friends, and I realised I was attracted to her, and so I moved it to the next step.

I was still getting over Michelle and then Kylie (Venus), and I'd been purposefully single for 8-9 months, trying to get my head sorted. I got involved with Wakana, and my favourite saying was "I don't know how long it's going to last."

I just realised I did to her what Estera did to me… she used to say the same thing when we were together in the early '90s, and I felt terrible. I felt that she was talking herself out of a very good relationship, and I've just realised this moment that's what I was doing with Wakana. More for me to think about…

Other things I remember about Wakana is introducing her to a more western way of having a relationship – I'm quite open about my affections in public, which was something she wasn't used to, but enjoyed it because it was taboo in her country and that made it more exciting for her here. It was great for me to open her eyes to new feelings and experiences. I remember the drives that we used to go on, the relaxing times together. I remember being home at work sick, and she came over to cook me some soup and got lost on the trains to my place and ended up 2 hours late. I remember so many times of happiness with her, and it all just makes me feel more and more like a shmuck now.

I'd hoped she would come back. I knew that if she did, I'd be doing everything I could to make sure she didn't regret it, and I told her that. She loved me? I loved her. I wanted to be with her forever, and if that meant getting married, that's what I wanted. I told her all this. But it was too late.

I'd left her once, I could do it again. I can't blame her. But I sure do miss her. And that song makes me cry.

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