To all the mothers out there, I hope that yesterday was a wonderful day for you.
I rang my mum last night and spoke to her for the first time since 1996.
I'll talk about that another day though, after I've processed it.
I went to dinner last night with Vicki, my very good friend with whom I have wonderful conversations and amazing times of learning as a result.
At one point, I mentioned an incident that happened a couple days ago. I was driving home after work on Saturday and I was stopped at one point waiting for the lights to turn green. I saw this beautiful asian woman come around the corner and walk up the road towards me. I was… mesmerised. She saw me looking at her and she looked back with a bit of a smile. I smiled too. Then the lights turned green and the line of cars I was in started moving. I looked forward momentarily and then back at her as she was walking past, and she was still looking at me as I drove away. As I'm driving away I felt like I'd just experienced a missed opportunity.
You know those feelings? I have them rarely, but they always make you feel like you've missed out on something worthwhile.
So I mentioned that to Vicki, and we discussed it, and asian women in general. We – I – got into the reason why I'm interested in them so much right now, and I guess I've gained some self-realised clarification on the issue.
It's something I've commented about in this journal in the recent past. I've been hurt in the past by those western women who haven't had any commitment towards me or what we had. They 'jumped ship' instead of trying to make a go of it.
I've been the same way on only one occasion – which turned out to be the only occasion that really mattered (when I left Wakana). However, I've learnt from my experiences and my hurts, and I've come to the conclusion that I want to try something different. I want to try a relationship with an asian woman because they have a greater sense of commitment than most western women.
The only drawback I've seen is that their commitment often comes at the expense of their personal happiness. They are more willing to stay in a relationship that they aren't happy with, that doesn't fulfil them, because of their sense of 'duty' to the relationship.
I know that if I was with someone who was with me out of duty rather than love, then I would be trying to find out where the problem is, why they weren't in love with me any more. I'm sure I could sense it in their attitude, and I'd do what I could to work out whatever issues arose. If I wasn't making them happy, or fulfilling them even after trying to sort out whatever issues there were, then I couldn't stay in the relationship. It would be best to move on than to be in a partnership that was holding someone back from finding their happiness.
So I'm looking for a more determined attitude of commitment from someone, whether they're asian or western doesn't really matter. It's just that the asian women more often seem to have what I'm looking for, and there's the reason for my attraction at this stage.
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