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I need to feel special

I need to feel special. As I choose to do things in life, I need to feel special while doing them. And if they don’t make me feel special, then I lose interest in them.

“You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.” – Mr Rhineheart, The Matrix

I was having a conversation with a friend tonight, and we were talking about why I choose to follow one thing vs. another thing, and why I’m a Scanner trying different projects all the time. Sometimes I stick with something, sometimes I get bored and move on. His analysis of why I’m like this was… insightful.

It inspired me to do a bit of research into some psychological elements and what I found was even more insightful.

The psychological stuff that I found was amazing.

I know that a lof of my personal ‘baggage’ or emotional damage was a result of my childhood. The abuse I received as a child from uncaring and unloving parents had consequences that I’m still discovering today.

The desire to be special is common for most people. Some have experienced being special during their early and formative years. They experienced that sense of specialness in the presence of the significant people or person in their life. This early sense of specialness lets them know that they are important, can be loved, and can find love in the world. Unfortunately, many people never feel that sense of specialness. They question whether they are lovable. They distrust others. They distrust the love that may be shown them as they grow up feeling that they are not worthy of the love. They test people, mostly to prove their own assumptions. – The need to feel special

What the above reminded me of was something I’ve known for a little while:

What we value as an adult is based on what we lacked as a child.

I completely lacked feeling special. Any feelings of that were punished right out of me. My parents would repeatedly tell me “you’ll be good for nothing”. I grew up believing it, and I chose to be ‘good for nothing’ for many years after leaving home.

I think some of those subconscious feelings are still in me today.

As a ‘Scanner’, I’m always looking for something new and interesting if a current project gets boring. But what I’m really looking for is to feel special.

I’ll only get bored by something if it leaves me feeling as if I’m not special, and I’ll look for something else in an eternal quest to feel special as a result of it.

Good on ya, parents.

Now to work out where I go from here.

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