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13 March 2003

Yesterday was eventful.

I'm sure you want to know why…

1) Wakana rang me in the morning and said she was leaving Wellington at the end of April, going to Christchurch with her boyfriend

2) we had lunch, and I expressed how much I was going to miss her, and that I just didn't understand how she could be in love with me and yet still go with this other guy who she didn't love. So she then explained to me something that she didn't want to tell me. Her reasons she has to go with him was because a) he helped her when she was feeling sad about me leaving her last year, so she feels obligated to be with him in return, and B) he told her that if she ever left him he'd just have to kill himself.

3) at that point I just gave up on having any respect for her and wanting her in my life

4) she wanted to meet me after work and have sex, which she's been wanting for weeks now, so yesterday I agreed. Up until yesterday I refused, telling her that she'll 'get it' when she's actually with me, and not with anyone else. But now it's obvious that's not going to happen. She's not going to come back to me, so I may as well enjoy myself…

And that's the story of yesterday.

It's taken me 24 hours to realise that I really have lost respect for her. She acts out of a sense of obligation and fear (that he might kill himself), instead of acting on her feelings of love for me. If she can't find the strength and respect to leave this manipulating loser, then she doesn't deserve my love.

I think right now I'm more disappointed and angry than anything. Maybe later the sadness will come.

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