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21 June 2003

It's one of the great mysteries of life that I can stay awake all night here at work, but I can't stay awake all night at home. Why is that?

I tried getting some sleep before coming to work, so that I wouldn't be so tired during it, but I'll be buggered if I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned, and it just wouldn't happen. So I didn't get any sleep at all. And here it is, 5 o'clock in the morning, and I'm still wide awake, after having been awake for 20 hours now. Under normal circumstances, I'd be feeling shattered and wanting to be in bed about 6 hours ago.

I think it's all in the mind. The mind drives the body (although there's rumours that it only does so because the body allows it to), and anything's possible. My mind says I've got to stay awake, so I do. Maybe it'd be a different story if there was a bed nearby, then I'd just be crashing on it…

I had a conversation last night with one of my adoring fans who took the time to slap me around and… oh wait, that was someone else. 😕 She took the time to give me some feedback about my journal entries, and the style that I use.

It seems that I used to be quite expressive about my happiness and excitement, but not as expressive about my sadnesses and disappointments, and in the past year or more, I haven't been as expressive about my happiness as I used to be. Fair comment, I thought.

But I also know why I've been that way.

Every time I've fallen in love, and it's been so wonderful, I've believed 'this is it!' and expressed that to the world.

But it was never 'it', and all my expressions of finality and absoluteness about the women I was with and loved ended up only being an embarrassment.

So what do you do when time after time you say 'this is it' and it fails? You stop saying it. You stop getting your hopes up. You stop expressing the magic of the moment and what it might mean, for fear of embarrassing yourself all over again when it means nothing.

There's a saying I have at the bottom of my email signature – "Work as if you don't need the money, love as if you've never been hurt, and dance as if nobody's watching."

I can still love as if I've never been hurt, but I can't talk about it any more as if I've never been in love before.

I was talking about something like this with another friend yesterday (oh, two days ago now – my, how time flies). There's the possibility that her marriage might be coming to an end, as her husband isn't growing with her. She's learning and growing still, and he's stuck in an insecure box that he doesn't want to escape from. We came to the conclusion that people that grow have difficulty staying in a relationship, because it's very difficult for two people together to grow together.

When one grows faster than the other, and is perceived with insecurity and jealousy because of it, rather than with respect and with the desire to grow as well, then the relationship falls apart.

I can't find anyone interesting enough for me to want to be with. Most of the women that I meet bore the absolute crap outta me. They bore me to tears, because they're stuck in this little shell of non-existence, where reality consists of what's on the tv, or what the latest gossip at work is, or the state of their wardrobe. They are driven by a society that is creating zombies, easily led by governments taking away freedom and instilling control.

Those women who have been into spirituality have either just been touching the surface, and look up to me as some kind of teacher (which I don't want to be), or they think they know so much about it that they live in a dream world where the only reality they perceive is more spiritual than physical.

Both cases are unsuitable for me.

I'm single by choice right now, and not actively looking for someone to be with, because of two reasons.

1) I'm still working on various issues with ex girlfriends, and
2) Those that I've met who are ready for a relationship with me just aren't relationship material for me.

I've met women who are eager for a relationship with me. They want to get to know me more. That makes me wary, thinking that they're desparate.

I'm looking for someone who doesn't need me. I'm looking for a friend that I'm attracted to.

It'll happen. I'm not desparate for it to happen, so when it happens, I'll be surprised.

So how'd I get onto that subject from what my 'fan' was talking to me about? Basically, it's all about how I've changed over the years.

Maybe I'm a little more cynical these days. Maybe. However, I like to think that I've grown up a lot, and I'm more in touch with my needs and desires, and I know what I want and what I don't want.

But I'll do my best to discuss more of my negative attitudes, my sadnesses and insecurities. Just for that balance that makes me a little more interesting, and maybe a little more human.

It's 5:30am now. I want to go to sleep, but it won't be happening for another 7 hours. *sigh* I'll tell you about it later, AFTER the events that I'm waiting for.

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