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Goodbye Wakana

I saw Wakana this afternoon. She called me to say hello, to see how I was. She said she didn't want to see me, that she didn't have time as she only had an hour free and she was doing some shopping. I asked her where she was, but she didn't want to tell me. Then the money ran out for the call, as she was calling from a payphone. So I went looking for her.

I parked the car at work and walked up the street in the middle of the city. My intention was to follow the 2 main streets in Wellington for shopping, to go up them and then come back down them. I found her walking along the street leading to the second 'main street'. As I was walking up behind her, I had all this excitement and anxiety inside me. I didn't know what would happen or how I'd feel, but here I was, seeing her again. I stood behind her at the traffic lights she had stopped at, and waited for her to turn around and see me, and it was nice seeing the surprised expression on her face when she did.

We walked to a cafe and sat down after ordering a coffee. She wanted to know how I found her, and I shrugged. She had said she was shopping, and so I walked up the main shopping streets. I wanted to find her, and I did.

Then I got down to 'business'. I told her I needed to see her, because I needed to let go of what I'd been holding onto for the past year. I had made a promise to her before she went to Christchurch that I would always be here for her. But it was holding me back, particularly since it was just more and more obvious that she wouldn't be coming back. So I needed to say goodbye to her and let her go, to give up my promise to her.

She told me she was getting married in May next year. I asked where, and she said in NZ. I changed the subject – I didn't know how to handle that.

We small-talked for a few minutes, and then she told me that she could never forgive me for hurting her as I did last year, when I left her. Everything she had told me earlier this year, about always loving me and having forgiven me, it was all a lie. She did it so that I'd feel better, and now she's telling me the truth about it all.

I didn't believe her, but I didn't tell her that. I accepted what she said at the time as being what she needed to say.

When we parted, we hugged and said goodbye. She didn't want to let go of the hug, so we stayed that way for a little while longer, not saying anything, just holding each other. Then I told her that even though I'm letting go of her, I'll always love her, and I wished her all the best for the future. As we started moving apart, she held onto my hand, not wanting to let go. But both of us were making that effort to walk away from each other. She turned around and walked away, and I did the same.

I knew what she said about having lied earlier was a lie. I hope she can move on as well.

It's about 4 hours later now, and I'm sitting in the car with the laptop, at our favourite spot, looking out over the ocean. We used to come here a lot of a night and just look at the lights of the city, and the occasional boat going past. She used to sing Japanese songs while we stood there on the beach in each other's arms; she was always happy.

I've never been to this spot since she left for Christchurch, but I came here today. I've cried a lot while I've been sitting here, remembering all the things we used to do together, and all the things she did for me, that I'll never experience again with her.

I miss her. Goodbye Wakana.

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