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These are what I’ve learnt

Recent discussion about my relationship/dating preferences has inspired me to talk about my past experiences with women – western and asian – to relate what I've experienced and learned. I'm going briefly through all the women I've been involved with in 'long term' relationships (longer than a month). I've done this before (see here – http://www.thespirit-online.com/journal/archive/2000/jan00/31100.htm – but now I'm doing it again.



Her and I were never actually together, but the intensity of my feelings will always be in my memories as if we WERE together. I learnt that if I'm going to chase what I can't have, then stop it after a month, rather than two years. Why a month? It's to give myself the awareness that I'm wasting my time trying. Because if you don't try, how do you know you won't succeed? You don't. But there's certainly no point trying for years. :blink:

She left me because I hadn't worked for a couple months. Fair enough, in a way, although I had my reasons. When she announced her decision, she wanted me to move out immediately. Without discussion, I had one hour's notice to leave or she'd call the police. Talk about a messy ending. The lesson learnt from this was to always be someone that a partner would be proud to be with.

She left me because she didn't feel the chemistry any more. Without discussion, it was simply over. (At least I had a couple weeks to move out.) I still consider my relationship with her to be the best long-term relationship (over a year) I've ever had. Oh wait.. it's the only REAL long term relationship I've ever had! Cheesy

She left me because she found another man on the internet. I learnt that long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain, and if you're going to get involved with someone in a long-distance relationship, do NOT give them a computer to get onto the internet with. Cheesy

I left her because she demanded far more than I could give her. I learnt to understand who I am and what I want, and what I'm prepared to put up with.

She left me because my purpose had been served – to help her get to Wellington. I learnt that if you're going to have a long-distance relationship with someone and they want to move to your city, then help them find their own place, rather than let them move in with you.

She left me because I didn't have enough money to suit her needs. (She was kind enough to let me think I was leaving her… and thankfully it was a month before I was going to move to be with her.) A year later she told me she's engaged to an airline pilot who owns 3 houses around the world. That was obviously more important to her than the quality of the man. Another long-distance relationship. I learnt to not get so excited when someone long-distance seemed so wonderful. I also learnt, that based on my experiences with long-distance relationships, that if we're going to be together then it's the woman that is going to make the effort to move to be with me. I believe it helps increase the level of commitment they have towards the relationship. I learnt that I want commitment from someone.

The only mutually mature relationship I've had, which was doomed from the start as we had different goals. However, our time together – and our parting – was by mutual choice, and I learnt more about the value of communication.



Taiwanese. Wanted to be close to me but couldn't bring herself to being intimate with me. Emotionally screwed up due to bad life experiences. She got angry and stopped seeing me after I tapped her on the shoulder to point something out to her at a concert. I learnt not to tap women on the shoulder when they couldn't hear me.

Hong Kong Chinese. Emotionally screwed up, was a high-class prostitute earning thousands of dollars a night. I remember the first time we slept together – I just wanted to be with her without sex, and she cried when she realised I wanted to just get to know her. She liked me a lot but eventually stopped seeing me because I was too nice. I learnt that if a beautiful woman wants to be with me, step back a bit and play it cool. She could be a high-class prostitute looking for love. Normally that wouldn't be too much of a problem, but really, it is.

Japanese. Very caring, giving, loving and committed. She was emotionally stable, and I was the one who was screwed up because I left her, thinking I couldn't get all my needs met with her. I learnt the most important lesson of all – the greenery on the other side of the fence may die very quickly. I learnt that communication problems is a poor excuse for leaving someone.

'Asian woman #4'
Chinese. Very caring. I filled a void in her life at the time. The relationship – such as it was – didn't last that long because I wanted more than she was able to give. If she was single, we'd be together. I learnt not to want more than I could get.

Chinese. Most confusing 'relationship' I've ever had (without being painful!). She wanted me, I wasn't ready for her and pushed her away. When I was ready, she had moved on. Doh! I learnt that I was ready to get married, because not wanting marriage was limiting my options in life. This was probably the biggest lesson I've learnt in my life. Instead of getting married to make someone happy, I learnt that I'm ready to get married for me and my future.


From my experiences with these women, I've learnt the following:

Western women

  • are looking for 'Mr Right'
  • can be very easily distracted by the 'greener grass on the other side'
  • are looking for security from their partner
  • are able to easily end a relationship without discussion

Asian women

  • are looking for someone who feels right
  • searching for the green grass, but plant their roots when they believe they've found it
  • are looking for security from their partner
  • have a strong sense of commitment towards relationships


  • marriage is a good idea if you're doing it for yourself rather than to make someone else happy
  • if I'm going to get involved in a long-distance relationship, don't get too attached and needy about her
  • if I've gotten attached to a woman in a long-distance relationsip, get her to move to be with me
  • I prefer asian women because:
    – their values include a greater sense of commitment (which is an issue of mine)
    – I find them more attractive than many western women.

These are some of the things I've learnt in my life.

Thanks for reading! Please add your own thoughts below.

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