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14 February 2003

Traditionally, Valentine's Day (VD) has had no meaning for me. I seem to have been alone for most of them. Let's look back on the past 5 years, the length of time that this journal has been in existence:

Went out on a first date with an asian lady called Helen

VD was alone and uneventful.

I'd split up with Darlene a month previous, so was alone for VD.

I'd split up with Michelle, and was too busy trying to deal with her harrassment to worry about VD.

I started 'officially' going out with Wakana on VD. It was the first special VD in my life. We went to a Chinese restaurant and started our relationship on that day.

Today. I went to a different Chinese restaurant – with Wakana. I don't know if it started anything new, but I'm sure time will tell.

I guess I just went through all that (above) 'cause I'm feeling a little melancholy. VD this year and last year were with the same woman, and both times were very special. However, after today's fun and excitement, I'm left with a feeling of sadness.

I don't know where this is going. I've learnt from her today, in not so many words, that she seems to want a full-time relationship with her current partner and a part-time relationship with me.

The reason for this weirdness is that she doesn't want to hurt him by leaving him, because she's been hurt herself and she doesn't want to hurt someone else the same way. It's a big barrier for her. Huge barrier. His feelings come before her own, and as long as she's not hurt by him herself, then she'll always stay with him even though she might not be happy in the relationship. Her happiness comes second.

Bah. It's crazy. So I'm left as the one she'd like to be with but 'can't' be because of her attitude to the other guy.

A long time ago, when I was young and foolish (now I'm just older and foolish), I was hanging around a woman I loved very much, but who wasn't prepared to return the same love. I was fooling myself in hoping things would change. Eventually, after it hurt too much to be around her and only get used in return, I cut her out of my life; I moved out of the flat we shared, left the job that we also shared, and even went so far as to leave the city, moving from Adelaide to Canberra. I described it in my written journal back then that it felt like I was cutting a cancerous growth from my arm with a rusty butter knife, but if I didn't do it, then I'd end up destroyed by it.

This is getting almost to that point, but Wakana isn't using me – except for emotional satisfaction, I guess.

My new place is going to be real good for me. I'll be by myself, in an environment that won't have anyone else spoiling MY space. I'll burn incense and candles, meditate, surround myself with pot plants, and enjoy MY space. I'll rediscover my centre, and move forward in my life.

I'm still going to see Wakana every now and again, but I won't eagerly be seeking it out. I'll enjoy her company when I've got it, but I'll accept that nothing's going to happen between us.

There's too many trust issues that she's got as well, which is completely understandable. As she explained tonight, she'd always be wondering if I'd leave her again.

I feel that a lot of time has to pass before she can trust me again to walk down that path with me again, if that's what she'd like to do. While she still loves me, nothing will happen unless the other guy leaves her, as she won't be initiating it herself.

I feel tired of dating, and tired of wondering what's going to happen with tihs woman or with that woman, and tired of having love lost. I'm tired of making mistakes with women, and I'm tired of wanting to be with women. I know somewhere I've got issues, and I know I should resign myself, for the time being, to being single and alone.

I have to make an effort to want to be single.

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